Many children on
the spectrum have rigid/inflexible thinking. Their thinking is very
“black and white”, “either/or”, “all or nothing” absolute thinking. The
world has to be as they expect it. When the world doesn’t match their
expectation, then all hell breaks loose! The child does not get what
they want, an event doesn’t go as planned, or a snag happens
to what they expected, and the world falls apart. They go from 0 to
100 quickly and a meltdown occurs. This happens most frequently with
the younger children, but can last easily into adulthood.
For
many young children on the spectrum, the world is very rigid and
absolute. They have very rigid, inflexible thinking, and can only see
the world through their own immediate needs. For such children, you
will face the following issues.
1. The child can only see
things based on his immediate need. His thinking is very rigid, with
minimal ability to see options or to shift gears when things are not
going his way. So, there is no other way, but his way. Your child
doesn’t have the cognitive skills yet to appraise the situation,
understand the options available, judge the severity of need, or
understand the effect his behavior has on others. The biggest problem
is going to be the inability to shift gears, meaning that when things
don’t go according to how he expects it to, then the world falls apart.
2. Because the “executive functioning” part of the brain is not well
developed, the child has poor ability to inhibit his impulses, or to
think before acting. So, immediate impulse becomes immediate behavior.
This leads to two major problems; poor impulse control and poor
frustration tolerance, presenting frequent tantrums when the little
snags happen without warning.
3. Coinciding with the
rigid/inflexible thinking is very poor emotional regulation.
Emotionally, he will go from 0-100 quickly, with little ability to
regulate his responses. Emotions come on like gang busters, and
overwhelm the child with little defense. The child doesn’t have the
ability to cognitively appraise the severity of the situation to
regulate his emotional response accordingly. Therefore he over-reacts
to simple snags, going from 0-100 with little warning. The world is
very black and white, good or bad, happy or angry, with little middle
ground.
Now given the above problems, I would recommend the following:
1. Once the child has an expectation of what is going to happen, it
will be difficult for him to shift gears. So, the best thing to do is
prepare him ahead of time. You need to:
a. Get used to
preparing him for what is coming up before entering into situations.
Preview what he can expect, what is expected of him, how long it will
last, and what is coming up next.
b. Lay out any boundaries
for behavior before entering the situation, so he has the right
expectation and you are not adding rules once the activity starts. You
want to make things very clear and concise, very black and white. The
more you set his expectation set, the less he has to shift gears. If
you have to add new rules or change rules in mid action, give him some
time to adjust to it, so he doesn’t have to shift gears real quick.
c. Give him warning before transitioning from one activity to
another. Give him a few minute warning before ending an activity and
let him know what is coming up next (in a few minutes we need to stop
playing the game and brush your teeth). Then give him another warning
one minute before.
2. When you have to add or change rules
in the middle of the action, ease into it and redirect without
“demanding” quick behavior change. Try to avoid saying “no”, which
means “never and the world will end.” Instead of focusing on what the
he is doing wrong, state what you want him to do. Demanding that he
stop doing something, or saying “no”, doesn’t tell him what to do, so it
leaves him emotionally hanging without a way of responding. Focus on
(1) gently redirecting him into what you want him to do, and (2) helping
him out by providing gentle assistance in the right direction. It is
not the time to counsel, explain or scold. Not the time to use reason.
Just gently redirect without “demanding” and getting emotional.
a. Beware that your emotional reactions, or arguing, will only fuel
the fire. Trying to explain and reason at the heat of the moment will
not work, so the parent’s anxiety immediately freaks and they start to
yell, become demanding, and try to force action. This will immediately
make the child meltdown. Stay calm, focus on what you want the child to
do, than gently help redirect the child to do it.
3. Knowing
that interrupting and directing your child will bring on resistece, try
to pick your battles. If you two are arguing a lot, most likely many
of the issues are not worth the battle. The more arguing you two do,
the less positive impact you will have. Try to bite the bullet for many
small things and save the intervening for more major issues.
4. Since he cannot adequately appraise situations, you want to
concretely explain things as they are happening so he sees the big
picture. He is not going to see it on his own. You have to draw the
bigger picture for him.
5. Assume that you cannot prepare
everything ahead of time, so emotional reactions are going to happen.
You need to identify a “calming” strategy to do with your son to help
him calm once he overreacts. Every child is different in what will help
calm and organize them, but try to identify and practice coping skills
that you and your child will do to help calm him down. Now, I say “you”
and your child, because the chance that your child will be able to calm
himself is slim at this age, unless you simply place him by himself and
let it run it’s course. However, this can be scary for the child since
they are left by themselves, with overwhelming, scary emotions, and no
help to calm. This is why I don’t usually recommend “time out.” I tend
to look for a sensory motor regulatory pattern (see hand out on that),
like deep pressure, neutral warmth, to use as a calming technique.
Practice this coping skill every day, when your child is calm. Practice
it so it feels natural for him when you try to use it in the heat of
the moment. Also, try to catch him when he first starts to look upset,
to use the calming technique, before he is so worked up that he will not
accept the help (teaching your child to calm will come later in the
tool box).
6. Watch your emotions and your language. Try to
stay calm, and avoid “demanding”. Try to redirect to what you want him
to do. Focus on what you want him to do, and then gently assist him in
that direction. The more upset he is, the calmer you need to be. Now,
saying that is so easy. Don’t beat yourself over the head for getting
frustrated, upset, and emotional. The situation you are in is very
hard. You often feel helpless and angry when you see your child feel
and act this way. It takes time and hard work to learn to stay calm in
such situations.
I highly recommend parents read the book “The
Explosive Child” by Ross Greene. This is the best book for learning how
to deal with the problems you are experiencing. This is a lot of
information to absorb. Just remember, these problems will take time and
patients, and there are no quick fixes.
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