Adults with autism learn how to be effective "actors", often living in
pretense in effort to "fit in", or at least not "stand out." When it is
difficult to grasp the unwritten social rules around you, understand the
thoughts, feelings, and perspectives of those you are with, and rapidly
process the conversation occurring around you,
you often have to "pretend" to understand, fit in, and blend with others.
For many people on the spectrum to be successful they learn to "imitate" those around them. When entering into a social event, they immediately scan those around them to see how they are acting. From this they learn to copy their behavior after what they see others doing, so they can blend in. If the conversation is with one person only they may be able to regulate it pretty good, but if the conversation is between several people, they get lost very quickly. For people on the spectrum to be successful in such situations they have to become very clever social scientists, often copying behavior for which they don't understand. As years go by, they accumulate a lot of "scripts", which they can adapt to many situations, once they get a read on them. They learn "scripts" for introducing themselves, topics for small talk, being pleasant, etc. The older they get, the more situations they experience, the better they get at it.
However, this "social acting" takes its toll over time. Socially, the person cannot be himself, he has to "fake it!" Since we develop a sense of self from our relations with others, it tears at their self identity and self esteem. When you have to pretend all the time, you get anxious, angry, and depressed. It is also very draining, trying to pretend all the time. Even for those who are good at it, trying to "copy" others requires extensive mental energy and can only be done for short periods of time.
The worst situations for children on the spectrum is to be thrown into a social situation with little preparation. Make sure you prepare the child ahead of time. Talk about what they can expect, what social graces are expected of them, and what to do if they get confused and/or overwhelmed. The more they know ahead of time, the more prepared they are going in. If the child is responsive, role play and practice common "scenes." Be very literal with them. Let them know what social games may be going on at that specific event. Unfortunately, since these children have difficulty "self monitoring" their own behavior, they cannot read "how they are doing" as they try to "fit in". This is where a "peer mentor" (buddy) comes in. Having a mentor there to coach, interrupt behavior that is "off key", be an interpreter, and "tour guide" to help navigate the maze of interactions. When you don't have the "executive functioning" skills to effectively monitor, appraise, and evaluate social behavior, it is good to have an external guide. It can help put the child at ease, and enjoy the event. The more accepting peers become, the more the child can relax and be "themselves."
When with people on the spectrum, please try and respect how hard these situations are. Be respectful of "out of sync" behavior, as well as the emotional needs of the person. When we can understand what they experience, we can change our behavior and acceptance to make it more relaxing for all of us.
For many people on the spectrum to be successful they learn to "imitate" those around them. When entering into a social event, they immediately scan those around them to see how they are acting. From this they learn to copy their behavior after what they see others doing, so they can blend in. If the conversation is with one person only they may be able to regulate it pretty good, but if the conversation is between several people, they get lost very quickly. For people on the spectrum to be successful in such situations they have to become very clever social scientists, often copying behavior for which they don't understand. As years go by, they accumulate a lot of "scripts", which they can adapt to many situations, once they get a read on them. They learn "scripts" for introducing themselves, topics for small talk, being pleasant, etc. The older they get, the more situations they experience, the better they get at it.
However, this "social acting" takes its toll over time. Socially, the person cannot be himself, he has to "fake it!" Since we develop a sense of self from our relations with others, it tears at their self identity and self esteem. When you have to pretend all the time, you get anxious, angry, and depressed. It is also very draining, trying to pretend all the time. Even for those who are good at it, trying to "copy" others requires extensive mental energy and can only be done for short periods of time.
The worst situations for children on the spectrum is to be thrown into a social situation with little preparation. Make sure you prepare the child ahead of time. Talk about what they can expect, what social graces are expected of them, and what to do if they get confused and/or overwhelmed. The more they know ahead of time, the more prepared they are going in. If the child is responsive, role play and practice common "scenes." Be very literal with them. Let them know what social games may be going on at that specific event. Unfortunately, since these children have difficulty "self monitoring" their own behavior, they cannot read "how they are doing" as they try to "fit in". This is where a "peer mentor" (buddy) comes in. Having a mentor there to coach, interrupt behavior that is "off key", be an interpreter, and "tour guide" to help navigate the maze of interactions. When you don't have the "executive functioning" skills to effectively monitor, appraise, and evaluate social behavior, it is good to have an external guide. It can help put the child at ease, and enjoy the event. The more accepting peers become, the more the child can relax and be "themselves."
When with people on the spectrum, please try and respect how hard these situations are. Be respectful of "out of sync" behavior, as well as the emotional needs of the person. When we can understand what they experience, we can change our behavior and acceptance to make it more relaxing for all of us.
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