n entering into situations
for which they do not know what is expected and how to act. We watch
those around us, and reference what others are doing. From there we
copy our actions to be in line with those around us. This is a very
effective learning tool.
This “copying” strategy can be a very effective social strategy for those on the spectrum, as long as they use it as a way to “fit in” and co-regulate with others, and not feel invalidated by doing it. Many people on the spectrum have low self esteem and weak self-identities, due to years of trying to “fit in”, but failing. They also have been teased, ridiculed, and bullied for being different. This often leads to poor self esteem and a weak sense of self. For them, constantly copying others is a way of developing an alternative “self”; one that is accepted by others. This can have negative effects, typically resulting in ongoing depression.
So how do we teach children to successfully use “copying” as an effective tool, but protect also their self identity. I think if children are raised to realize that we all have differences, and some of these differences are socially acceptable, and some should be save for when we are by ourselves or with family and close friends, they can learn to feel good about themselves and develop a strong sense of self. We all have our “social self” and our “private self.” These private differences are not bad, but just not meant for everyone. When we are out in public we put on our social mask, and take it off when we are at home. That we are not defined by our public mask, but use it to “fit in” with othes. We all have certain self stimulatory behaviors, rituals, and fixated interests that we leave at home and those that we feel free with when with family and friends. We can still accept and validate his unique differences, but there is a time and place for all tendencies. We can feel comfortable with this, and do not find it invalidating. Many people on the spectrum think that neurotypical people do not have to “copy” and act differently to “fit in’, but we all do to varying degrees. Some of us better at it than others. However, it is not invalidating to use the “coping” strategy to fit in with the group. Actually the better you are with it, the better it is.
Once the child learns how to reference others for information and to use that information to pattern their behavior (imitate), then I recommend teaching children how to effectively read social expectations and “how to act” by referencing others. We can slowly teach the child “what to look for”, both in reading the situational factors (context) and the behavior of those around him. When entering into situations together, coach the child by discussing what you see going on, how others are behaving, and how to turn that information into deciding how to act yourself. While doing so, objectively read the body language and actions of others, as well as the reactions each person gets from these actions. Have him try and “size up” what he can expect and what is expected of him. Have him practice imitating so that he can effectively copy the behavior of others. Have fun with it; make it a game. Be careful, because this act of appraising and copying can be exhausting. It is for all of us, but much more so for people on the spectrum. It comes more naturally for us, but requires a lot of processing for them. They can only do it for short periods of time. It effects each person differently. Some can use this technique relatively easy, and some find it too exhausting. In addition, ensure to teach the child you are not trying to be something that he isn’t (invalidating his autism), but simply learning how socially “fit in” with others.
This “copying” strategy can be a very effective social strategy for those on the spectrum, as long as they use it as a way to “fit in” and co-regulate with others, and not feel invalidated by doing it. Many people on the spectrum have low self esteem and weak self-identities, due to years of trying to “fit in”, but failing. They also have been teased, ridiculed, and bullied for being different. This often leads to poor self esteem and a weak sense of self. For them, constantly copying others is a way of developing an alternative “self”; one that is accepted by others. This can have negative effects, typically resulting in ongoing depression.
So how do we teach children to successfully use “copying” as an effective tool, but protect also their self identity. I think if children are raised to realize that we all have differences, and some of these differences are socially acceptable, and some should be save for when we are by ourselves or with family and close friends, they can learn to feel good about themselves and develop a strong sense of self. We all have our “social self” and our “private self.” These private differences are not bad, but just not meant for everyone. When we are out in public we put on our social mask, and take it off when we are at home. That we are not defined by our public mask, but use it to “fit in” with othes. We all have certain self stimulatory behaviors, rituals, and fixated interests that we leave at home and those that we feel free with when with family and friends. We can still accept and validate his unique differences, but there is a time and place for all tendencies. We can feel comfortable with this, and do not find it invalidating. Many people on the spectrum think that neurotypical people do not have to “copy” and act differently to “fit in’, but we all do to varying degrees. Some of us better at it than others. However, it is not invalidating to use the “coping” strategy to fit in with the group. Actually the better you are with it, the better it is.
Once the child learns how to reference others for information and to use that information to pattern their behavior (imitate), then I recommend teaching children how to effectively read social expectations and “how to act” by referencing others. We can slowly teach the child “what to look for”, both in reading the situational factors (context) and the behavior of those around him. When entering into situations together, coach the child by discussing what you see going on, how others are behaving, and how to turn that information into deciding how to act yourself. While doing so, objectively read the body language and actions of others, as well as the reactions each person gets from these actions. Have him try and “size up” what he can expect and what is expected of him. Have him practice imitating so that he can effectively copy the behavior of others. Have fun with it; make it a game. Be careful, because this act of appraising and copying can be exhausting. It is for all of us, but much more so for people on the spectrum. It comes more naturally for us, but requires a lot of processing for them. They can only do it for short periods of time. It effects each person differently. Some can use this technique relatively easy, and some find it too exhausting. In addition, ensure to teach the child you are not trying to be something that he isn’t (invalidating his autism), but simply learning how socially “fit in” with others.
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