How can a little child make everyone feel so incompetent!

From, Autism Discussion Page

In all my years in the helping profession I have never seen emotions so intense as I experience when helping children’s and families on the spectrum. Whether it be fighting among parents and caregivers, battling between families and schools, struggles with professionals, or battles with government agencies and insurance providers, the ...frustrations for all parties become strong and emotions high.. People point fingers, throw names and accusations around, and threaten action against each other.

What I realized quiet early, is nothing makes parents, professionals, and teachers feel more incompetent than a challenging child with autism. These children often do not respond as favorably to the typical parenting, teaching, and treatment strategies that work so well with other children. Their behaviors are so often difficult to read, and their needs are often hidden and inconsistent. They process information differently than us, so their judgment and reasoning does not match ours. They respond well to one strategy this week, to fight against it the next. Just when they begin to show progress, they suddenly regress and fall backwards. They can be excited with glee one minute, and screaming for their life the next. They can be so unpredictable, that the best of minds become flustered in confusion. Nothing makes us adults feel more vulnerable than (1) not being in control, (2) not knowing what to do, and (3) having others demanding that we change.

Whether it be parents who feel the stares, the negative comments, and accusations that the child’s behavior is the result of their poor parenting, or the teacher who has to somehow provide strong individual accommodations for one child, while trying to meet the needs of the total classroom (especially when no one may know what the problems are), or the professional who exhausts all the common therapy tricks in their tool boxes, we all have to admit, that no one can make us feel more vulnerable and inadequate than children on the spectrum. They are so consistently inconsistent, and fluctuate from what they need from one minute to the next. We all have a great need to feel “safe, accepted, and competent”, and the challenging child on the spectrum threatens that need all the time.

The principle often spoken by Dr. Ross Greene, that all children “do the best that they can, given the demands that they are under, and their ability to effectively deal with them” applies to all of us. If someone (parent, teacher, professional) is frustrated, angry, and acting inappropriately, we should immediately assume that they do not feel competent in dealing with the demands they are currently dealing with. Just like we do not want everyone to do with our children (demand, scold, punish), we do with each other. We demand, direct, and pressure others into doing something that they do not know how to provide. They feel inadequate and threaten, then they fight back (just like our children). This is a natural reaction as human beings, rather they be adults or children, on or off the spectrum. When we are faced with uncertainty and anxiety, we feel vulnerable and want to escape and avoid. When pressured, our “fight or flight” response kicks in and emotions fly.

We all need to remember that this vulnerability effects all of us, and we need to take a deep breath, assume that others are feeling just as frustrated and inadequate as us, and validate and support each other. Focus on what each other is doing right, and foster our strengths. Find a common ground and facilitate the positive. Understand and validate, before we demand change. Acknowledge that we do not have the answers, and that is ok! If we collaborate together in understanding the child, we will eventually find the path to help. Assume that the journey will be filled with hills and valleys, triumphs and backslides, and that no matter how competent you are, they can always bring you to your knees. This is the life of children on the spectrum, as well as for all of us that love them so much. Let’s look behind all the negative actions to understand the vulnerabilities in all of us. In order for us to effectively collaborate we need to be working partners with each other.